


Nightmare or reality?

by Mad_Amethyst



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Episode: s10e09 The Things We Left Behind, Gen, POV Dean Winchester, POV Third Person Limited, Season/Series 10, Season/Series 10 Spoilers, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 04:40:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2759942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Amethyst/pseuds/Mad_Amethyst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Dean's POV in the last scene of "The Things We Left Behind" (10x09).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmare or reality?

The blood. Everywhere. The corpses, lifeless, on the floor. Is it that nightmare? Again? Probably. His mind is blurry. So much fucking flashes. When is he supposed to wake up?

A scream. From a distance. This voice… Is it Claire? He raises his head towards the sound and notices Sammy, Cas and Claire. So what? All this crap is real? The blood? The corpses? No, it can’t be…

“Dean…”

But it’s that. This is reality, not a nightmare. And he sees the worry on Sammy’s face, he sees Cas covering Claire from the horror of the scene. What did he do…?

“Dean… Hey,” calls his brother, coming nearer and nearer.

He feels so confused. He tried so hard. He told them. He told them! Why hadn’t they listened? The guy had struck him, and then the world had become black – or white, does it fucking matter? Next thing he knew, he was there, believing he went through this nightmare again.

Sammy drops his gun, kneels in front of him. “Tell me you  _had_  to do this,” he says, cupping his face.

This is so hard to take, the terror in his eyes, the implication in his voice – not to mention the expectation. Dean has a lump in his throat, but it doesn’t prevent him to confess, “I did— I didn’t mean to…”

“No. Tell me it was  _THEM_  or  _YOU_!” insists his brother, his tone harsh as the answer doesn’t suit him.

But, really, what can he say? He  _doesn’t know_  if it was the case. If telling a lie could erase what he has done, he wouldn’t hesitate! However, the truth is there, and it’s indelible. He gave in to the Mark’s bloodlust. He killed  _people_ , not  _monsters_. And it makes him a monster. He sees it in Sammy’s eyes, and it hurts to look at. That’s why Dean lowers his eyes and, when his brother releases him, his face too.

It’s not only he feels ashamed. Fuck, he hates himself! He didn’t want to go down this road again, not even for a second! He didn’t want to see Sammy doubt him, not knowing what to do with him. And here it is… Now what? Should he carry on, because no one has the balls to end him? Cas had sworn, goddammit!

He can’t… He just can’t… He can’t play the charade… He can’t ignore the blood, the people he killed… He doesn’t deserve to live after that… and definitely not to be loved…

**Author's Note:**

> I just needed to sort out all these feelings, really... I'm so sorry for Dean... é_è Maybe I'll write a sequel in the bunker between Cas and Dean, but I'm not sure yet. (EDIT: I'm currently working on this!)


End file.
